Friday, November 23, 2012

If Weeble's wobble...


If Weeble's wobble to keep from tipping over, what the hell do pregnant women do when our stomachs stick out disproportionately to the rest of our bodies?  We waddle!  

The waddle is a tricky thing...it comes on slowly over a few weeks and can sometimes be explained away simply as a symptom of not being able to exercise regularly so joints naturally stiffen.  The afflicted person (ah-hum, pregnant woman) may stand up...very slowly...put one foot in front of the other but have a bit of a hitch in her getty-up!  Being in a complete state of denial, the pregnant woman simply waives off the stiffness as just being "pregnant".  Another day may go by where she is able to walk around as normal and then...it hits again…usually after a large meal.  Well, last night there was no more denying it...Ladies and Gents, I am officially a waddler!  I can't abnegate or hide it and I certainly cannot convince anyone there is anything else going on other than I waddle when I walk!    

I'm one of those women you can see coming from a mile away.  You know the kind...If you're heading south on 10th street and you see a woman in a black velour track suit (there are two versions...one with pink ribbon accents on the hood, zipper and pants and one without) heading north swaying left and right doing what could be mistaken as the goose step, have no doubt, even in the middle of Midtown Manhattan, that would be me!  All you need to see is my booty-licious butt, hippo-normous hips, and blondish-colored ponytail swaying too and fro to know Big Momma is heading your way!  Don't worry about looking for my face...you won't need to see it you’ll just know its me!

Not that long ago, I was just like you…Yes, YOU!  You, the woman that exercises non-stop, eats rabbit food, counts every calorie, has never been pregnant and thinks when you do get pregnant, the waddle will never happen to you!  You, the woman that finds out you are pregnant but still lives in denial, calling all of your pregnant friends that are months ahead wanting to know if they waddle when they walk and after finding out they do, still convince yourself you won’t!  Watch out sister because the waddle is coming for you and it hits just about the time you think you have this whole pregnancy thing figured out!  It happens the week between when you celebrated the fact you could still wear your Hanky Panky pre-pregnancy thongs without the lace rolling up on the sides of your hips and your Big Girl Bosom brassière becomes a size too damn small! 

So, knowing you can’t avoid it, might as well embrace it, right??  After all, Gisele Bundchen will never have a thing on you!  She couldn’t have a butt as round, hips as wide or boobs as big yours even if she wanted to (ok, there’s always plastic surgery)!  Here’s to all you pregnant ladies out there waddling through Target, Wal-Mart, Nordstrom and Macy’s shopping for holiday gifts for your family while being absolutely positively miserable…You go with your big self (pun intended)!!  And for all those husbands/partners loving their Big, Beautiful, Buximous, Waddling, Pregnant gals…kudos to you!  Believe me when I say, this pregnancy thing is a whole helluva lot harder than you think it is!