Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Leslie Paffe, the next National Geographic Cover Model

I've been told by many reputable sources once this child is born I won't have time to shower, much less blog about my experience as a new Mom so while I still have idle hands I'd like to share what my feelings, emotions and thoughts are at the juncture of our ongoing journey to parenthood.

Today I'm 35 weeks pregnant and while we're thrilled the "P" has not made an entrance yet, I am completely over the whole pregnancy thing at this point.  In the words of my doctor, "I cannot believe you are still pregnant!" Well, that makes three of us sister and if I had to guess, a whole slew of other folks feel the same way.  It is a miracle I'm thankful to have but my gosh, what in the hell is happening to my body?

I remember fondly while in New York taking my hand-held mirror and looking at myself from behind in a full-length mirror and noticed my legs (which have not had a work out in close to three months now) did not have any cellulite on them.  Having constant and nagging weight concerns during this pregnancy, I commented to Gayland what a pleasant surprise that was.  Being the smart and kind man that he is, a gentle smile and kind nod smiled back at my comment.  OK, At least that's what I thought at the time!  When we got back to Austin and I was in the privacy of my own bathroom with natural and fluorescent lighting streaming through the window and out of the ceiling, I completed the same exercise and damn near hit the tile floor in disbelief of what I saw!  NO CELLULITE??  Yea right!  That stuff is large and in charge on this pregnant body!  How flippin' gross!  Damn lighting and damn cervix for failing me in my time of need!  Good gracious!

Then yesterday while dressing for our first "Birthing Class" I was standing in the same natural light with a stream of fluorescents beaming down on my large, round body and had a revelation...I could be the next cover model for National Geographic!  You know those women they feature periodically from remote parts of the Brazilian rainforest that belong to a tribe of people anthropologists thought were extinct off the planet hundreds of years ago?  You know who they are...the tribal women wear a scrap of leather around their waists held up with a string of tree trunk (except they have pretty legs because they haven't been sitting on their fat asses for the last three months) and due to a lack of breast support have bosoms that hang to the middle of their stomachs and look like Chiquita bananas?  Yea, I'm that girl right now!  So, if your the National Geographic photo editor and are in need of a model for the February issue, I'm you're girl and you don't have to endure the bugs and heat of the rainforest to find me!

I hesitate to post the positives for fear the one thing I have that is keeping me going will mysteriously appear in the next few weeks so I'll quickly type with my fingers crossed behind my back...I'm thankful the stretch marks have stayed strategically placed on my hips where they have been for many, many years and have not moved to other parts of my body!  *Knock on wood!

To add insult to injury, last night was our first "Birthing Class" and I knew we would walk in to the room and I'd see that stupid pregnant lady that I'd want to punch and yep, there she was!  Tall, blonde, skinny legs, skinny hips, perfectly round bump placed upon her mid-section like a Pea In The Pod model, wearing a cute little black skirt with her thongs placed perfectly in the crack of her rear where the rest of us could see how small her butt also was (and I'm not kidding here) and a skin-toned top that only accentuated the fact she was gorgeous.  Barf!  On the contrary, here I come waddling in (and yes folks, the waddle in New York wasn't anything compared to my waddle in Austin) with my black long-sleeved shirt with multi-color scarf over my bosoms to hide the fact the only thing comfortable to wear now is a nursing bra that doesn't have padding or support (use your imagination to figure out what that looks like if I get the slightest bit cold), dark brown corduroy pants that rub together so hard when I walk that my thighs could start a fire that would warm up all of Queens, NY.  I just wanted to cry!  Granted, most of the people in our class our about six months pregnant and I'm allowing the fact next week I'll be nine months pregnant to excuse all of the weight I've gained.  

I won't bore you with the gory details of what my back now looks like, heat rash ever present under my arms or the fact my face is so round I don't recognize myself most of the time!  I guess this is all part of the privilege of being beats the alternative we were facing two months ago...

To sum it up, pregnancy has not agreed with me in any shape, form or fashion!  I have much more to say about the birthing class and my feelings as we sat through three hours of learning what is about to go down in the ATX when this child is born but…I digress…I’m holding on to the hope that once they put they baby up on my chest and Gayland and I get to see what we thought we were going to lose, all of this won’t matter any more!