What 30 means at 36

30 seems like yesterday...and 30 years ago.  My actual birth day was unmemorable but the celebration went on for weeks and perhaps has continued for the past six years.  30 is when I came into my own as a person, woman, and professional.  To say there was some sort of hocus-pocus which occurred suddenly allowing me not care what others thought or said would be censure but what did occur is I finally felt the respect of society, as if the due-diligence I put in working and proving myself the years since college graduation some how allowed others to finally take me seriously.  It was a remarkable transformation to watch.  During that time I gained courage, independence and took control over my destiny.  It was a lifetime ago and it was yesterday!  Yet today, a few weeks from turning 36, I look in the mirror and the person staring back is someone completely unfamiliar.  Gone is the strong, independent woman who was taking on the world one day at a time and what remains is someone broken and scared of what the future holds...irony at it's best!

This week, 30 has a whole new meaning in our lives.  It's not the amount of years I've been alive and thankfully not the amount of cupcakes I've devoured in New York City (only 3 so far, thank you very much).  This week we celebrate being pregnant for 30 weeks.  I can hardly believe it!  23 weeks and 5 days with only doom and gloom ahead of us seems like yesterday...and 30 years ago.  And yet, we are only 3 weeks away from kissing our beloved New York goodbye and re-acclimating to Texas.  My heart and soul are filled with extreme sadness when thinking about what we'll leave behind.  Though our time has been difficult here, it has also been rewarding, enlightening, inspiring, loving and overwhelming.  It has dropped me to my knees in prayer, taken the life out of me (almost literally) caused me to become dependent on a man for the first time, made me value the life growing inside of me that I once took for granted and helped me realize there is so much more good in this big 'ole world than bad.

I found myself buried nose deep in Gayland's left shoulder this morning boo-hooing my eyes out over a miscommunication that occurred yesterday.  I told him, "I just want to go home" to which he responded, "I know.  But once we get there we're going to think it's so boring."  It made us laugh because New York has brought, ironically enough, so much joy to our lives in the midst of a traumatic situation.  When returning to Texas, I have a feeling our lives will never be the same again, just like it changed for me six years ago on my 30th birthday.  I'm conflicted with desire...on one hand, I want to have a big party at Guero's (my favorite Austin Mexican Food joint) to celebrate the friendships and family we perhaps took for granted before leaving Texas yet on the other hand, I don't want to be around anyone for weeks so I can work through what we've just emotionally endured.  It's quite strange actually.  When I said I don't recognize the girl in the mirror, this is a prime example of what I'm talking about.  I've become somewhat reclusive, fearing what the outside world holds for us.  Not literally, per se, but fearful that too many steps in our weekly outing will cause me to go into labor again, fearful someone will hit my belly and hurt the baby, fearful we won't be able to catch a cab in time to get to the hospital if my water breaks, fear, fear, fear.  I know, fear is the opposite of faith, right?  This brings me back to 30.... the 30th year of my life when I had no fear because I was free from the things that burdened me for the six years prior and this week, the 30th week of a pregnancy I thought was not to be.  In-and-of-itself, these are two reasons to celebrate the number 30!  

To end, a wise and beautiful friend of mine, Linda Koehl, once said, "Your 30's will be the best years of your life so enjoy every minute of them."  Perhaps this week instead of fearing the "what-if's" I'll try to enjoy being 30 again...

“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.” 
― Dr. Seuss

Gayland-isms...#1

For those that know my delicious better half (..And I mean scrumptiously delicious…with those hazel eyes and salt and pepper hair that is long enough now to brush out of his eyes, I just want to eat him up which is a problem since that is how we got ourselves into this mess in the first place...geez!  Can't the man just be unattractive for half a second??), it will come as no surprise when I say he is pretty darn funny!  If you've met him casually, this statement might be a bit puzzling because he's actually quiet in nature when in the midst of new faces (and besides, do ya think he can get a word in edge wise with my big yap running all the time?).  For those unfamiliar with Mr. Wonderful, let me be the first to enlighten you; this man is a hoot!  He's not overtly funny, like a Jim Carey (you know what I'm talking about...the obnoxious kind of funny…The kind of funny where you find yourself wondering if the person is capable of carrying on a serious conversation with another human-being without bulging their eyes out, making farting noises with their mouth, contorting their noses in funny directions or acting a fool all the time just for the sake of getting attention…not that kind of funny).  Gayland is funny because his humor presents itself in the most unlikely time and circumstance.  This is a trait I’ve learned to love about him as our years together have increased and we’re totally relaxed in each other’s company (…And isn’t that a good thing?  Can you imagine how horrific it would be cooped up in our 800 square foot, one-bedroom New York City chalet if we didn’t like to be around each other?)

So, what is humor if not shared with others?  Since the secret about Gayland's comedic side is now out, I am going to keep track of my favorite "Gaylandisms" and post them weekly as part of our blog.  Not only will this hopefully brighten your mood and spirit, one day Baby P can read about his/her Dad and laugh along with the rest of us.  My hope is I'm able to accurately express the moment of drollery by just using my words (and perhaps a video or two if I can figure out how to imbed it into my post).

Without further a due, here is my first Gayland-ism...

The setting:  Our living room/office/kitchen space with my big 'ole behind plumped down on the center cushion of the couch (my favorite spot in our apartment).  The high-top, multi-purpose table (which is used as Gayland's new desk, my vanity table and the place we eat dinner each night) stands at exactly 2 o'clock from where the couch sits and for the sake of this story, where Gayland is standing.  I have my feet propped up on the glass coffee table sporting my new furry purple slippers when the baby decides Momma needs a little "nudging".  NOW, keep in mind, Baby P's version of nudging and your version of nudging are probably not comparable.  When this child begins nudging - ah-hum -kicking, it usually makes me jump or at least twist a bit away from the blow.  Once it stops, I grab my right side in an effort to thwart off another attack by my child.  Gayland, being the constant watch-dog he's become after all of our New York City excitement quickly asks with true concern written all over his face, “Are you okay?” To which I promptly respond after a long, dramatic sigh with my eyes rolled up in my head, “Would you like to come over here and feel your child kicking me.”  Without hesitation he responds, “Why do I ALWAYS have to be the disciplinarian in this family?  Why do you make MEEEEE be the bad guy?”  We both started laughing uncontrollably!

The moral of this story:  I am thankful my husband is already offering to be the “bad guy” in the parenting role!  That’s one less thing I have to worry about though I imagine once he sets eyes on his child for the first time he's going to become complete mush!

  

If Weeble's wobble...

If Weeble's wobble to keep from tipping over, what the hell do pregnant women do when our stomachs stick out disproportionately to the rest of our bodies?  We waddle!  

The waddle is a tricky thing...it comes on slowly over a few weeks and can sometimes be explained away simply as a symptom of not being able to exercise regularly so joints naturally stiffen.  The afflicted person (ah-hum, pregnant woman) may stand up...very slowly...put one foot in front of the other but have a bit of a hitch in her getty-up!  Being in a complete state of denial, the pregnant woman simply waives off the stiffness as just being "pregnant".  Another day may go by where she is able to walk around as normal and then...it hits again…usually after a large meal.  Well, last night there was no more denying it...Ladies and Gents, I am officially a waddler!  I can't abnegate or hide it and I certainly cannot convince anyone there is anything else going on other than I waddle when I walk!    

I'm one of those women you can see coming from a mile away.  You know the kind...If you're heading south on 10th street and you see a woman in a black velour track suit (there are two versions...one with pink ribbon accents on the hood, zipper and pants and one without) heading north swaying left and right doing what could be mistaken as the goose step, have no doubt, even in the middle of Midtown Manhattan, that would be me!  All you need to see is my booty-licious butt, hippo-normous hips, and blondish-colored ponytail swaying too and fro to know Big Momma is heading your way!  Don't worry about looking for my face...you won't need to see it you’ll just know its me!

Not that long ago, I was just like you…Yes, YOU!  You, the woman that exercises non-stop, eats rabbit food, counts every calorie, has never been pregnant and thinks when you do get pregnant, the waddle will never happen to you!  You, the woman that finds out you are pregnant but still lives in denial, calling all of your pregnant friends that are months ahead wanting to know if they waddle when they walk and after finding out they do, still convince yourself you won’t!  Watch out sister because the waddle is coming for you and it hits just about the time you think you have this whole pregnancy thing figured out!  It happens the week between when you celebrated the fact you could still wear your Hanky Panky pre-pregnancy thongs without the lace rolling up on the sides of your hips and your Big Girl Bosom brassière becomes a size too damn small! 

So, knowing you can’t avoid it, might as well embrace it, right??  After all, Gisele Bundchen will never have a thing on you!  She couldn’t have a butt as round, hips as wide or boobs as big yours even if she wanted to (ok, there’s always plastic surgery)!  Here’s to all you pregnant ladies out there waddling through Target, Wal-Mart, Nordstrom and Macy’s shopping for holiday gifts for your family while being absolutely positively miserable…You go with your big self (pun intended)!!  And for all those husbands/partners loving their Big, Beautiful, Buximous, Waddling, Pregnant gals…kudos to you!  Believe me when I say, this pregnancy thing is a whole helluva lot harder than you think it is!  

Texas Bound? God willing...

If we have our way, we will make our return trip to Austin on Christmas Day!  This will be the biggest Christmas gift of our lives for two reasons: 

1.  Baby P will still be cookin’  

2.  We will finally be home!

We received conflicting recommendations from physicians last week, which sent me into a tailspin.  Our New York OB/GYN recommended we stay in New York due to the shortness of my cervix until after the baby arrives.  Picking ourselves up by our bootstraps after hearing that news, we prepared mentally and emotionally to ride out the pregnancy in the Big Apple.  The next day, our Austin-based OB/GYN called and said if I stay pregnant until 32 weeks we should come back home.  WHAT?  Who on earth do you listen to?  Who do you believe?  We have no medical background and depend heavily on the advice and recommendation of our physicians to make wise decisions about our child and our own lives.  It was incredibly frustrating so looking for advice from a third party; we decided to hold off on making decisions until we saw the specialist later in the week.

On Friday, we went to the Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist for our weekly sonogram and cervical update.  We learned my cervix had improved over the week prior from 3 mm to 6 mm (I sure as hell hope so!  I'm doing virtually nothing all day every day except perhaps going a little bit more crazy...this is sweet victory for what feels like the training session of my life).  When the doctor came in to speak with us, she asked what our plan was moving forward since my condition has stabilized?  We told her our Austin based physician was comfortable with us going home at 32 weeks and she agreed that was a good plan of action.  So, with fingers and toes crossed, we impatiently waited for the results of my fFN test.  

Fibronectin proteins are produced by fetal cells and for women that are at high risk for pre-term labor (like me), the fFN test can indicate if those cells are present.  A "positive" result indicates the possibility of going into labor "soon" but is also inconclusive, as women with a positive result can stay pregnant for many weeks to come, go figure!  Conversely, a "negative" test is a conclusive result that a woman has a 95% chance of NOT going into labor in the next two weeks.  We were thrilled to learn today I had another NEGATIVE test, the second negative result in the past two weeks. Such a huge relief off our minds.

We have our weekly appointment with the specialist tomorrow for another sonogram and assuming the results remain consistent, we will book our flights back to Texas for a Christmas day return!  As we've done for the past month, we remain cautiously optimistic.

To end today's post, Thanksgiving is weighing heavily on our minds.  We are constantly reflecting on all of the blessings that have been bestowed upon us this year, starting with reaching our 28-week milestone tomorrow!  Sitting in that hospital bed at 23 weeks and 5 days pregnant one month ago I honestly thought we might not have a baby to celebrate with this year and every year for the rest of our lives.  I will never underestimate the amazing grace of God and the power of prayer.  For those who have added us to your prayer chain, prayer list at church and continue to pray for us in the privacy of your homes, THANK YOU!  We have a new perspective on the things that matter in this life.  At the end of the day, if you don’t have amazing family and unwavering friendships you're not really living!!  

We wish abundant blessings to you and your family this Thanksgiving.