30 seems like yesterday...and 30 years ago.
My actual birth day was unmemorable but the celebration went on for weeks
and perhaps has continued for the past six years. 30 is when I came into
my own as a person, woman, and professional. To say there was some sort
of hocus-pocus which occurred suddenly allowing me not care what others thought
or said would be censure but what did occur is I finally felt the respect of
society, as if the due-diligence I put in working and proving myself the years
since college graduation some how allowed others to finally take me seriously. It was a remarkable transformation to
watch. During that time I gained
courage, independence and took control over my destiny. It was a lifetime
ago and it was yesterday! Yet today, a few weeks from turning 36, I look
in the mirror and the person staring back is someone completely unfamiliar.
Gone is the strong, independent woman who was taking on the world one day
at a time and what remains is someone broken and scared of what the future
holds...irony at it's best!
This week, 30 has a whole new meaning in our lives.
It's not the amount of years I've been alive and thankfully not the
amount of cupcakes I've devoured in New York City (only 3 so far, thank you
very much). This week we celebrate being pregnant for 30 weeks. I
can hardly believe it! 23 weeks and 5 days with only doom and gloom ahead
of us seems like yesterday...and 30 years ago. And yet, we are only 3
weeks away from kissing our beloved New York goodbye and re-acclimating to
Texas. My heart and soul are filled with extreme sadness when thinking
about what we'll leave behind. Though our time has been difficult here,
it has also been rewarding, enlightening, inspiring, loving and overwhelming.
It has dropped me to my knees in prayer, taken the life out of me
(almost literally) caused me to become dependent on a man for
the first time, made me value the life growing inside of me that I once took
for granted and helped me realize there is so much more good in this big 'ole
world than bad.
I found myself buried nose deep in Gayland's left
shoulder this morning boo-hooing my eyes out over a miscommunication that
occurred yesterday. I told him, "I just want to go home" to
which he responded, "I know. But once we get there we're going to
think it's so boring." It made us laugh because New York has
brought, ironically enough, so much joy to our lives in the midst of a
traumatic situation. When returning to Texas, I have a feeling our lives
will never be the same again, just like it changed for me six years ago on my
30th birthday. I'm conflicted with desire...on one hand, I want to have a
big party at Guero's (my favorite Austin Mexican Food joint) to celebrate the
friendships and family we perhaps took for granted before leaving Texas yet on
the other hand, I don't want to be around anyone for weeks so I can work
through what we've just emotionally endured. It's quite strange actually. When
I said I don't recognize the girl in the mirror, this is a prime example of
what I'm talking about. I've become somewhat reclusive, fearing what the
outside world holds for us. Not literally, per se, but fearful that too
many steps in our weekly outing will cause me to go into labor again, fearful
someone will hit my belly and hurt the baby, fearful we won't be able to catch
a cab in time to get to the hospital if my water breaks, fear, fear, fear.
I know, fear is the opposite of faith, right? This brings me back
to 30.... the 30th year of my life when I had no fear because I was free from
the things that burdened me for the six years prior and this week, the 30th
week of a pregnancy I thought was not to be. In-and-of-itself, these are
two reasons to celebrate the number 30!
To end, a wise and beautiful friend of mine, Linda
Koehl, once said, "Your 30's will be the best years of your life so enjoy
every minute of them." Perhaps this week instead of fearing the
"what-if's" I'll try to enjoy being 30 again...
“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it
happened.”
― Dr. Seuss
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