As I sit on yet another flight 36,000 feet above the
expansive landscape of the southwest, I find myself thinking about motherhood
but specifically, my experience with breastfeeding. Breastfeeding has
been the subject of many conversations in the media as of late and also sparked
controversy amongst women that are passionate about it and those that choose
not to or cannot (anyone remember the Time magazine cover, "Are you Mom
enough" - May 21, 2012?). I have friends that breast fed their
children for upward of two years and I know people that chose to strictly use
formula. Whichever choice was made, the decision did not make one mother
better over another. I'm no medical expert so I cannot speak to the
medical benefits of breastfeeding over formula or vice-versa but what I can
speak to is my experience as a full-time-working-outside-the-home, road warrior
traveling, breastfeeding mother.
What has been surprising to me is how discussing the female
breast, even in the context of nourishing my daughter, always turns sexual in
nature and inevitably, leaves me feeling uncomfortable. I suppose this is
due to the fact our society sensationalizes the female anatomy. I'm not
the mom that whips out the boob in public without a cover to either pump or
feed my daughter but I wish breastfeeding did not cause such a stink! I'm
tired of feeling shameful when I have to bust out my breast pump and
subsequently my breasts (and my cover), in the middle of a church parking lot
in San Antonio, TX or stopping at a hardware store in the industrial area of
Denver to buy dry ice to carry my daughter's livelihood back to her in Texas.
I completely understand why working mothers don't continue nursing once
their maternity leave has ended and they are back in an office environment.
It literally is a second full-time job but a job I take very seriously
and am thankful I have the ability to do.
There are many things I anticipated while pregnant that
have become reality since Elyse's birth. Breastfeeding I thought would be
important to me but I could not have known HOW important it would be until it
became the only thing I planned that actually worked out the way I wanted it
to. From her birth, my goal has been nursing for six months. Even
though the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends breast feeding for a year
or more, I felt like six months would be achievable considering my
extensive travel schedule for work. What I did not anticipate is the anxiety and
sadness I am beginning to feel as she has started nursing less due to the
addition of cereal, fruits and vegetables. People tell you all kinds of
things, both good and bad, when you are pregnant but not one person, even my
lactation leader from the Le Leche League, told me that nourishing my
child with my own body would create a bond beyond imagination.
I was also not told that beginning the weaning process
would tear my heart to shreds and leave me anxiety ridden.
How did breast feeding become my saving grace
in a year full of ups, downs and disappointments? It's the one thing no one
else on earth can do for my daughter.
While my six month nursing goal will be here next week, I
don't believe emotionally I am ready to throw in the towel just yet (even
though the thought of pumping in one more airport stall is enough to send me
jumping from a plane sans a parachute). In the scheme of life, this
period of time is a small sacrifice to make for my daughter's sake. I
cherish and cling to the encouraging comments from other Moms that have walked
in my shoes and I love my husband more and more each day for supporting my
decision to stay the course. And in those coming years when Elyse and I
spar over everything under the moon, I will look back fondly on this time we
shared and thank God for the bond formed over…breastfeeding.
